We all are missing Brody each and every day. Today was especially a tough one though. Brody is 9 years old today and celebrating his first birthday in heaven. I thought of Brody often today. This is nothing new and I will tomorrow too. I keep trying to picture him in heaven laughing, running, smiling and playing. I tried to convince myself he is having his best birthday yet. If heaven is for real, then just imagine all the fun he could be having on his first birthday in heaven.
Unfortunately, I still have my doubts about heaven. I keep trying not to think about it. I want to just imagine him continuing to be his happy self. I don't want to think about his life not continuing on. I keep looking for signs....anything to let me know his spirit/his soul continues on. I am his mother. Why can't I feel his presence? I love him more than any words could possibly describe but I can't feel him with me. I pray and pray and pray for God to help me just know He is there and that Brody is there with Him. But I just don't feel it. I open my heart and beg for me to somehow just have the capacity to have that kind of faith. But yet, I don't have that faith. I keep trying to put myself back into that moment on my wedding day when I knew without a doubt that my grandpa was there despite him passing not long before my wedding day. I felt him there and I knew he was happy. Why don't I feel Brody? Why can't I know without a doubt he lives on and he's happy? I start to question now if really felt my grandpa that day. Because, why can't I feel Brody? I don't expect to feel him here with me all the time or anything. Just once I want to feel him here with me like I felt my grandpa on my wedding day.
Today we went to the cemetery to celebrate and honor Brody's birthday. We made a wreath to place by his grave. We filled the wreath with cheerful flowers because only cheerful will do if it's for our happy Brody. We placed laminated pictures and cherished toy animals in the wreath too. The wreath was adorned with a birthday ribbon and a note from all of us today too. All of us (Bill, Geordi, Jaden, and I) wrote birthday wishes and special notes for Brody on slips of paper which we placed in balloons. We took the wreath and balloons to Brody's grave. The wreath was placed next to his grave. We all sang "Happy Birthday" to Brody. It was tough to get through singing the song. I couldn't quite sing all of it. My voice just disappears when I start to cry. No words are even able to come out. I was able to regain my composure and avoid an all out crying session though. Thank goodness!! I wanted things to be a happy little celebration. No crying!! But hey, you just can't help it sometimes. We were all mostly tough and fought the urge to start crying. We want to be happy for Brody and picture him having fun on his birthday. So we tried to just picture that and be happy for him. After we sang "Happy Birthday" we released his birthday balloons into the sky. It was cold, wet, and windy. They went far up into the sky very quickly. We watched them until we couldn't even see the smallest speck of any of them in the sky. Silently, I prayed for God to somehow let Brody capture those balloons and read those notes.
On one of the notes I placed in the balloon, I asked for Brody to show me in my dreams how he spent his birthday. I dream of Brody every night. They are wonderful and extremely vivid dreams. I wake up and remember them throughout the day in great detail. I see things all throughout my day that remind me of pieces of these dreams. The dreams have been my peace through this journey. I, of course, have been trying to convince myself that this is Brody showing me that he is okay and that he is happy. He lives on in my dreams and shares his new world with me there. We talk and talk and talk about so many things. He tells me of his friends and family there and the fun things he gets to do. His hair is lighter brown and almost blonde. His eyes are the brightest, blue-green and healthy glowing skin. He is not skinny anymore and has defined muscles on his once skinny little arms and legs. He walks and runs with a normal gait (no foot drop). There are no tubes and no port! I see a healthy and happy Brody in my dreams. I don't get to see his new world (or heaven) in my dreams. My dreams start with me remembering fun times with Brody here. I see these events replay but then after my replay dream of a past happy Brody time, the new Brody shows up and starts talking to me. I even ask him in my dreams to take me with him so I can meet his new friends and talk with our family too. I ask him to take me with him on his adventures. He always laughs and tells me he can't and that I can't come yet. In my dreams, I never argue back and just accept that answer and am just happy to see Brody. He tells me about his day and I tell him about things here. In my dreams I don't ask him questions about God or heaven or what to expect when I die or what happened when he died. It never occurs to me in my dreams to possibly ask that. I am not in control of the conversations in my dreams. I just see a scene playing out in front of me in my dream. It's like I am watching a TV show of Brody and I talking. I have no say or guidance of the conversations.
I don't really know if it's actually Brody popping into my dreams. But I sure do hate it when I get woke up in the middle of one of my Brody dreams. I try so hard to fall back asleep and get right back there with him. I am just absolutely sure it's really him when I have been awakened from one of these dreams. But when I fall back asleep, I don't fall back into the same dream. I don't get to return right back to him. Strangely, I often do this with other dreams. Whether it's really Brody or not, I am thankful for my Brody dreams.
In the days leading up to Brody's passing, his friend Tiana that had passed away previously kept showing up in Brody's dreams. He also had repeated dreams or arguments with what looked to be a multitude of people for several days before he passed away. He would fall asleep and you would see him start shoving his arms out in front of him like he was pushing several people away from him. He was making every effort he could with his sick and feeble body to keep people away. At the same time he appeared angry, annoyed and scared too as he repeatedly would say "no not yet!...Stop it!!....not yet!!....Stop it!!....Noooo!!" These were the phrases that he would yell out in his sleep. We would wake him up and sometimes we would ask him what he was dreaming about. Usually he didn't really answer the question. But sometimes he would say, "I wasn't talking to you." As if he was trying to tell us he wasn't yelling that stuff at us. He would sometimes peer across the room like he could see somebody. He wouldn't usually say anything but he looked scared of whatever or whoever it was. And sometimes even when he was awake he would peer sternly at someone we couldn't see and say, "not yet." For the last couple days of his life, every time he fell asleep this whole scenario would repeat over and over again. When we would wake him up, you could see a look of sheer panic on his face which quickly would turn the to such utter relief when he could see he was awake and right back here with us. Brody never gave up fighting. He believed even after we told him that his doctors had no more they could do to treat his cancer that he would still beat cancer. I had to tell him that unless God granted us a miracle the cancer was going to kill him. He chose to believe he would get his miracle and that he was going to live. Brody hung on and kept fighting. I think it's quite possible loved ones were coming to Brody in his dreams and seeking to take him into whatever the next life would be. But, Brody my wonderful and very stubborn (determined) little boy had made up his mind that it just was not his time yet! So he kept shoving them away and telling them..."No!!...Not yet!!....Stop it!!...No!!" Brody kept doing this until very close to the time he passed. He was asleep and all of the sudden, he was no longer angry and fighting. He was just suddenly calm. He had finally decided that it was okay to go. His breathing slowed and then the time between each breath suddenly got much longer and longer. He decided it was time and he just went. Peacefully, suddenly, and calmly. He was surrounded by myself, Bill, Geordi, Jaden, papaw, and grandma. We held his hands and rubbed his arms. We told him we loved him and that it was okay to let go before he took his last breath.
Some powerful things transpired in Brody's dreams before he passed away. And, now my dreams of Brody help give me the power and strength to get through each day without him.
