Short Video of Brody on Spring Break Last year....Listen to that Laugh!!

Link to a video of our last Easter with Brody in our home

Past Pics on the "Picture Tree"

Here are some past pics on our "Picture Tree" when the tree still had it's other half....

Pics on the "Picture Tree"

We like to take pics each year of the boys on this tree by the river.  We were shocked to find that half the tree had been cut-off this year. We decided to take pics this year on the same tree anyway.  The picture of Brody in his Obituary was taken on this tree (he was sitting on the part that is now cut off).  We plan to put that picture of Brody on his grave stone too.  

Geordi and Jaden Playing at the Park Today

I sat on this bench today and thought of Brody

Brody's Favorite Swing

Brody loved the baby swings at the park in Grand Rapids, Ohio.  He could still fit in them in the summer of 2013.  We didn't get to take him there in 2014 (He was in Columbus all summer).  I am thinking he may have finally outgrew them by 2014 if we had been able to take him.  But he loved that these swings had very long chains and you could swing super high.  I loved that about the swings there too.  Plus the regular (non-baby swings) had a flat very large seat that my bottom could fit into comfortably.  lol! They are very comfy swings.  Brody preferred the baby swings because the regular ones felt too big to him and it was easier to hold onto his nephrostomy bag in the baby swing.

I wish Brody and I could have enjoyed those swings together again today.

Geordi and Jaden enjoying hanging by the river on Easter

Happy Easter and New Cherished Memories!

Jaden eagerly and excitedly awakened the Pizzifred household bright and early Easter morning.  The anticipation of what that Easter bunny may have left was just too much to possibly consider letting us all sleep-in.  Our attempts to convince Jaden that we all needed just a little more sleep were futile.  At least he decided to wake us up first before heading downstairs.  We certainly didn't want to miss what is probably his last Easter of believing in the Easter Bunny.  We all dragged ourselves downstairs as Jaden buzzed from room to room checking everything out.  He emptied and inspected everything in his Easter basket in no time flat!  Then he was calling to Geordi, "Come on, Geordi!  Look at all the eggs!  Get a bag!  Let's go!"   Geordi was still half asleep but grabbed a bag and the egg hunt began.  Jaden was running a mile a minute and Geordi was still trying to get his eyes open (as were mom and dad).  Geordi was a great big brother this morning and convinced himself to just wake up and get busy hunting eggs.  He was enjoying seeing his little brother so excited.  Also, he knew Jaden would be disappointed if he didn't have a brother/buddy enjoying the egg hunt with him.  It didn't take them long to find a bunch of eggs.  I think they found them all.  But you never know.  There always seems to be that random egg here or there you find over the next few days.  

We spent last Easter in the hospital with Brody.  It was a good day though.  Brody felt pretty good and we were all together having a good time.  

Two years ago, Brody was so excited about Easter morning, that he was having a very hard time falling asleep.  Eventually, he decided he just had to come down the stairs and at least take a peek at what the Easter Bunny had brought so that he could then go to sleep.  He ended up hunting for all the eggs in the middle of the night.  He didn't collect them but instead scouted out the locations of all the eggs.  He didn't take anything out of his Easter basket either, but took a good look at everything in there.  Then he was finally calm enough to go to sleep.  The next morning he had the 411 and big advantage over his brothers in the egg hunt.  He decided to try to make it more fair by telling his brothers what he had done and give them lots of pointers as to where all the eggs were hidden.  Being the youngest of three boys though, I think it was about time he had the advantage.  Usually his older brothers collected far more eggs than he did each year.  But not this time.  Brody got just as many eggs that year.  The boys and I have the fondest memories of that Easter.  It was the last Easter Brody had at our house and he was just so excited that year.  Geordi and Jaden have been talking about their memories of that Easter for the last several days and again today.  

We all miss Brody and witnessing his excitement for this holiday.  Easter is not the same without him.  Really no day is the same without him.  Our family has so many things for which we are grateful and happy. We are lucky in many ways.  For the most part, we are happy people.  But under that is that constant anguish and the heaviness in our hearts.  Underneath every smile, are tears that could erupt at any moment.  It's always there!  I can be happy and excited in one sentence and then suddenly not able to finish my next sentence.  I without warning and very suddenly become verklempt and unable to speak.  My emotions are so raw that I physically cannot speak or get the next word out.  This happens to me numerous times a day.  I am more likely to become unable to speak than to actually start crying.  Although crying  is often right behind the unable to speak scenario.  So if you are ever talking to me and I am all excited and then suddenly not speaking or finishing my sentence a few seconds later, you'll know just to give me some time.  I now live my life always on this verge. I wish I could at least manage to get a few words out...even just to say, "I need a minute."  Instead I get stuck with someone looking at me like I am crazy as I suddenly just stop talking.   I really don't think this is going away anytime soon either.  I would be surprised if it ever does.  It always happens so unexpectedly too.  It's so random and often it happens when I am talking about something that has nothing to do with Brody.  I can talk and talk about Brody and be just fine.  I am generally very happy to talk about Brody.  The raw emotions burst on through usually during other conversations which makes it all the more awkward when I suddenly lose the ability to speak.   I go through this life now striving for staying in the happy and mostly that's where I am but there is constant sadness and anguish always just under the surface.  I wish I had better words to describe it.  Life does not feel anywhere close to the same and I imagine it never will again.    

Today was a happy day.  I still felt the constant angst underneath but happy was surfing on top of it.  

After the egg hunt this morning, I decided I needed a nap.  It was wonderful nap!  I had dreams of Brody hunting eggs in the clouds.  He was swimming through the clouds, giggling and collecting eggs with lots of other children.  He looked to be having the most awesome egg hunt ever soaring through the clouds!  I awoke from the dream feeling joy, a calmness, and peace.  

I headed downstairs to find my boys were getting hungry despite their candy feast this morning.  I decided to make us a brunch, throw some dinner in the crock pot, and then we all wanted to head over to the cemetery.  

We took a white, wooden, bunny to the cemetery for Brody.  We were surprised to find Brody already had an Easter visitor at the cemetery that morning.  There was a stuffed yellow duck with a note attached setting next to his grave when we arrived.  It turned out to be from his buddy, Morgan Grass.  She was our neighbor and played with Brody, Geordi, and Jaden nearly everyday for several years.  She left him a precious note with the duck wishing him a very Happy Easter in heaven.  We all spent a bit of time at the cemetery talking to and about Brody.  It was warm and sunny and it just felt good to be outside.  

We decided it was too nice outside to not spend the majority of our day outside.  We headed to Grand Rapids, Ohio and spent our day hiking along the river.  We stopped and watched the rapids, talked, and enjoyed each other's conversation too.  We talked of past fun times and about many plans for upcoming summer fun.  We enjoyed a couple camping trips at Mary Jane Thurston State Park which is located on the river.  We reminisced about those trips and started making plans for another camping trip there this summer.  Brody's favorite swings (and mine) are at a park in Grand Rapids by the river.  We have had many fond memories at that park.  Today we made new ones.  I really enjoyed sitting by the river talking with Geordi, Jaden, and Bill this afternoon.  Today was a pleasant and happy day.

Missing Brody and Wishing Him a Happy Birthday in Heaven

We all are missing Brody each and every day.  Today was especially a tough one though.  Brody is 9 years old today and celebrating his first birthday in heaven.  I thought of Brody often today.  This is nothing new and I will tomorrow too.  I keep trying to picture him in heaven laughing, running, smiling and playing.  I tried to convince myself he is having his best birthday yet. If heaven is for real, then just imagine all the fun he could be having on his first birthday in heaven.  

Unfortunately, I still have my doubts about heaven.  I keep trying not to think about it.  I want to just imagine him continuing to be his happy self.  I don't want to think about his life not continuing on.  I keep looking for signs....anything to let me know his spirit/his soul continues on.  I am his mother.  Why can't I feel his presence?  I love him more than any words could possibly describe but I can't feel him with me.  I pray and pray and pray for God to help me just know He is there and that Brody is there with Him.  But I just don't feel it.  I open my heart and beg for me to somehow just have the capacity to have that kind of faith.  But yet, I don't have that faith.  I keep trying to put myself back into that moment on my wedding day when I knew without a doubt that my grandpa was there despite him passing not long before my wedding day.  I felt him there and I knew he was happy.  Why don't I feel Brody? Why can't I know without a doubt he lives on and he's happy?   I start to question now if really felt my grandpa that day.  Because, why can't I feel Brody?  I don't expect to feel him here with me all the time or anything.  Just once I want to feel him here with me like I felt my grandpa on my wedding day.  

Today we went to the cemetery to celebrate and honor Brody's birthday.   We made a wreath to place by his grave.  We filled the wreath with cheerful flowers because only cheerful will do if it's for our happy Brody.  We placed laminated pictures and cherished toy animals in the wreath too.  The wreath was adorned with a birthday ribbon and a note from all of us today too.  All of us (Bill, Geordi, Jaden, and I) wrote birthday wishes and special notes for Brody on slips of paper which we placed in balloons.   We took the wreath and balloons to Brody's grave.  The wreath was placed next to his grave.  We all sang "Happy Birthday" to Brody.  It was tough to get through singing the song.  I couldn't quite sing all of it.  My voice just disappears when I start to cry.  No words are even able to come out.  I was able to regain my composure and avoid an all out crying session though.  Thank goodness!!  I wanted things to be a happy little celebration.  No crying!!  But hey, you just can't help it sometimes.  We were all mostly tough and fought the urge to start crying.  We want to be happy for Brody and picture him having fun on his birthday.   So we tried to just picture that and be happy for him.  After we sang "Happy Birthday" we released his birthday balloons into the sky.  It was cold, wet, and windy.  They went far up into the sky very quickly.  We watched them until we couldn't even see the smallest speck of any of them in the sky.  Silently, I prayed for God to somehow let Brody capture those balloons and read those notes.  

On one of the notes I placed in the balloon, I asked for Brody to show me in my dreams how he spent his birthday.   I dream of Brody every night.  They are wonderful and extremely vivid dreams.  I wake up and remember them throughout the day in great detail.  I see things all throughout my day that remind me of pieces of these dreams.   The dreams have been my peace through this journey.  I, of course, have been trying to convince myself that this is Brody showing me that he is okay and that he is happy.  He lives on in my dreams and shares his new world with me there.  We talk and talk and talk about so many things.  He tells me of his friends and family there and  the fun things he gets to do.  His hair is lighter brown and almost blonde.  His eyes are the brightest, blue-green and healthy glowing skin.  He is not skinny anymore and has defined muscles on his once skinny little arms and legs.  He walks and runs with a normal gait (no foot drop).  There are no tubes and no port!  I see a healthy and happy Brody in my dreams.   I don't get to see his new world (or heaven) in my dreams.  My dreams start with me remembering fun times with Brody here.  I see these events replay but then after my replay dream of a past happy Brody time, the new Brody shows up and starts talking to me.  I even ask him in my dreams to take me with him so I can meet his new friends and talk with our family too.  I ask him to take me with him on his adventures.  He always laughs and tells me he can't and that I can't come yet.  In my dreams, I never argue back and just accept that answer and am just happy to see Brody.  He tells me about his day and I tell him about things here.  In my dreams I don't ask him questions about God or heaven or what to expect when I die or what happened when he died.   It never occurs to me in my dreams to possibly ask that.  I am not in control of the conversations in my dreams.   I just see a scene playing out in front of me in my dream.  It's like I am watching a TV show of Brody and I talking.  I have no say or guidance of the conversations.  

I don't really know if it's actually Brody popping into my dreams.  But I sure do hate it when I get woke up in the middle of one of my Brody dreams.  I try so hard to fall back asleep and get right back there with him.  I am just absolutely sure it's really him when I have been awakened from one of these dreams.  But when I fall back asleep, I don't fall back into the same dream.  I don't get to return right back to him.  Strangely, I often do this with other dreams.  Whether it's really Brody or not, I am thankful for my Brody dreams.  

In the days leading up to Brody's passing, his friend Tiana that had passed away previously kept showing up in Brody's dreams.  He also had repeated dreams or arguments with what looked to be a multitude of people for several days before he passed away.  He would fall asleep and you would see him start shoving his arms out in front of him like he was pushing several people away from him.  He was making every effort he could with his sick and feeble body to keep people away.   At the same time he appeared angry, annoyed and scared too as he repeatedly would say "no not yet!...Stop it!!....not yet!!....Stop it!!....Noooo!!"   These were the phrases that he would yell out in his sleep.  We would wake him up and sometimes we would ask him what he was dreaming about.  Usually he didn't really answer the question.  But sometimes he would say, "I wasn't talking to you."   As if he was trying to tell us he wasn't yelling that stuff at us.  He would sometimes peer across the room like he could see somebody.  He wouldn't usually say anything but he looked scared of whatever or whoever it was.  And sometimes even when he was awake he would peer sternly at someone we couldn't see and say, "not yet."   For the last couple days of his life, every time he fell asleep this whole scenario would repeat over and over again.  When we would wake him up, you could see a look of sheer panic on his face which quickly would turn the to such utter relief when he could see he was awake and right back here with us.  Brody never gave up fighting.  He believed even after we told him that his doctors had no more they could do to treat his cancer that he would still beat cancer.  I had to tell him that unless God granted us a miracle the cancer was going to kill him.  He chose to believe he would get his miracle and that he was going to live.  Brody hung on and kept fighting.  I think it's quite possible loved ones were coming to Brody in his dreams and seeking to take him into whatever the next life would be.  But, Brody my wonderful and very stubborn (determined) little boy had made up his mind that it just was not his time yet!  So he kept shoving them away and telling them..."No!!...Not yet!!....Stop it!!...No!!"  Brody kept doing this until very close to the time he passed.  He was asleep and all of the sudden, he was no longer angry and fighting.  He was just suddenly calm.  He had finally decided that it was okay to go.   His breathing slowed and then the time between each breath suddenly got much longer and longer.  He decided it was time and he just went.  Peacefully, suddenly, and calmly.  He was surrounded by myself, Bill, Geordi, Jaden, papaw, and grandma.   We held his hands and rubbed his arms.  We told him we loved him and that it was okay to let go before he took his last breath. 

Some powerful things transpired in Brody's dreams before he passed away.  And, now my dreams of Brody help give me the power and strength to get through each day without him.